Friday, May 17, 2013

Alone with a Ghost

21 days. He will be graduated and living on his own. 21days.

21 days. I will be living alone for the first time in my 40ish years. Just 3 weeks away.

To bear the undeniable sadness (pride) this event is going to cause, I've come up with a list of things that I plan on doing.

Usually I head for the coast. I am kind of a beachy girl. But this just intrigued me. Here goes, I am going to sound crazy, but I have had an experience before that I 'think' was supernatural.

I was staying with a friend in an old 1800's farm house. It was her family home. It was beautiful and filled with antiques. Every corner of the house held a deep history of a time long gone. There was a barn with sheep, horses and some chickens. I have visited here before to pick blueberries, but only for the day.

I was sleeping in an upper room and I dreamed that 'something' was coming out of the wall right behind the head of the bed. Suddenly, the bed started shaking. Hard. I am not sure if I was dreaming it or not, but I do know that as I was waking up and yelling for my friend, I still felt the bed shaking. It wasn't until I heard her running down the hall, asking if I was alright, that it stopped. I mentioned something about a bad dream and she said, "We get that here a lot."

The next morning we were chatting over coffee and I told her my dream. Especially the part about the wall behind my bed. She said the room I was in used to be a maids quarters and there was at one time a staircase behind that wall. She also told me that even as a girl things were never right there.

Well, I am not sure what I believe. I am not sure if that was a dream or what. I do know that I am anxious to see if anything turns up at the B&B. Or if I will just have a few days relaxation after 22 years of parenting. 

More of the list later. Do YOU believe?

Saturday, May 4, 2013

One Fall at a Time

I hike. I take pictures (bad ones, remember). I discover new trails and waterfalls. Today I went to Houston Brook Falls. It was quite a drive to get there. The hike was only about 1/4 mile into the falls. I left my ipod in the car.

When I hike I like to listen to music so I wasn't sure I wanted to leave my iPod behind. But I could hear the falls from my car and they just soothed this soul that is aching and breaking everyday. My children will all be moved out in a matter of weeks. I am single and about to be alone for the first time in my life.

As I move into the forest, the sounds of the water gushing over ancient rocks to a pool 35 feet below gets louder. I am slightly disappointed because I thought the hike would be a long one. But I was in for a surprise.

This is such a magical place, there is no one else here but me.

The mossy rocks remind me of hobbits. I love discovering what is out there for me to find!

I hate crossing bridges and this one looked a little iffy. 

Pure beauty. I wondered if this waterfall had been here since the earth was new. If it had changed course somehow to flow over the rocky formation. I know how water smooths rock and wondered how smooth the rocks under the falls were. There was too much force for me to find out today (besides, the water was freezing). After spring, when the rivers run a little drier, I want to come back here and find out. I walked up a little higher and sat for a while. Breathing the beauty of this little treasure in.

Just me. Sometimes it takes realizing how insignificant I am to realize that all my worries and fears can simply be washed away by the glorious-ness of the world that surrounds me.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Photos and Writing

I love taking photographs. I love photographing nature and where I live there is plenty of it. I love taking 'artsy' photographs. The kind where you might find something in nature, turn the camera in a off center position, blur the focus a tad and click.

I can't take a decent picture to save my life.

I love writing. About people, places, events, my own life, essays for college. Whatever it is I love writing. It is something I do better than photography.

I am on a journey to become something I never thought I would want to be. One summer of doing PR work for a non-profit event bounced me back into college after a 5 year break. After playing around with majors and sliding into one that fits me like a glove, I have decided what I want to do for the rest of my life. I am 42.

I just started reporting. I have to take my own pictures. I strive to be better at both because I love to do both. Funny how life takes us down roads we never thought we'd be down.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Stumbling Blocks

I was 37 when I was diagnosed with cancer. It was no big deal. At least I tried to make it no big deal. I had kids at home. My biggest fear was that they were going to be 'that kid' whose mom died.

I had just ended a 10 year relationship the week before I went of to get my mammogram. I was truly alone.

I thought I would journal every step of my journey. I didn't.

I thought I would lose tons of weight from chemo. I didn't.

I bought different wigs in different styles and lengths so I could wear a different one each day. I only wore hats.

I made it through to the other side. Relationships grew, I made new friends and I found I was strong.

Once I spoke at a Relay for Life Survivors Banquet. I was sure I was going to faint from embarrassment but as I looked in the faces of my fellow survivors, I knew that we faced something that know once else would ever face. Each of our journey's are different. No two are alike.

I dealt with cancer. I know someone who struggles with alcohol addiction. Anxiety, loss of a child, death of a husband. It doesn't matter, we each face something no one else ever will. Each of our journey's are different.

How is yours different? What are you stumbling against?

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

A long, long time ago in a country far away...

Ok, no lie. I was born in a foreign country to American parents. I was raised in a time and a place of acceptance and a sense of universality. During that same time and place the fear of war was also over our heads. At least our parents falsified security to make us all feel better.

Security to make us all feel better. What is security? I thought security was being a mom and having kids to take care of. That security is changing this year when I will be facing living alone for the first time. I thought confidence in this world involved having a husband, a job, a nice savings account, a home with two dogs and a cat. I only have two of those seven things yet I feel secure.

All of that can be taken away. Anytime. As a writer I know that. I've seen lives destroyed, houses and years of memories go up in flames, too many young people dying too soon, businesses sink, cars crash and nature takes it toll.

What I have learned in my years is not to depend on that security. Everything can be taken away in a split second. I depend on laughter to keep my sense of humor in difficult situations, time alone to give me perspective, sleep to refresh my mind and body.

Those are the things that bring me confidence in the future. Knowing that I can always laugh, get away for a moment alone and count on sleep to bring my day to an end (well, usually). These things will never be able to be taken away from me. The money could dry up, I could end up with no friends, no job, no dogs or cats. But if I have this inner assurance. losing what the world considers necessary is no big deal.

Where is your security?